Is anybody out there Happy ?? What does it mean to be happy ?? I have lived long enough and hard enough to know that happiness is made and not FOUND. BUT right now it seems completely out of my reach. TOO many bills, too many health problems, too many responsibilities. I hate what I'm doing for a living! I feel so terribly isolated and alone. My children are growing up and leaving home and that makes me sad. There are things I would like to do for fun but there's no money! For the first time in a long time I have real physical needs that I don't know how to meet like paying the bills and I really need a car! I have always been independent and not having a car really really stinks! Where I live there are no buses, trains or taxi cabs. You don't have a car... you don't go and everything is too far to walk! I feel like I've really screwed up and wasted my life. I can't seem to find any direction that feels right. I just don't know what else to do.

Went to the specialist yesterday and dropped $200 of my families hard earned money. I left feeling like I'd wasted a day of my time and a lot of my money. I am getting better. Thanks to God and to learning to control my stress. Eating well and exercising helps too. Thru this whole ordeal I have not felt that any doctor has geniunely cared about my pain and suffering. This doc ordered some test for next week and to tell the truth I just haven't decided if I want to follow thru with that or not. I'm afraid it will set me back more than aid my recovery.

Weather is beautiful! A little cold but otherwise gorgeous! The boys are making plans for prom and graduation. It's kind of sad to know they'll be moving on soon. I always that I'd be so happy to see them grown but I miss them already.

Well keep smiling!

I am feeling so much better today. Yesterday afternoon was good too. I am eating the fiber, plain yogurt with fruit, lots of fresh stuff and grilled meats. NO PORK. It is making a diffirence and I feel human again. Going to the specialist finally tomorrow. After all this time waiting I feel better now that I have in months. But I won't cancel that appointment. It took months to get and I still need to know if there is anything seriously wrong like the big "C" word. I hope everybody takes to heart what I'm saying. Eating right makes a diffirence like the diffirence in your car burning quality gasoline or watered down gasoline. Have a great day!

Today has been a good day! I have gotten some work done and felt pretty good. I got an invitation to my friends "adoption party" and I cried. They have been foster parenting this little girl for years and are finally able to adopt her. It's a new beginning for her and I'm so glad God has blessed her with a permanent family. If you've ever worked in the fostercare system you know how rare happy endings can be! Have a great night!

I gave away all my fat clothes before Christmas. I was wearing 24s and some of them were really tight when I started. We live on the lake and it has been really pretty the last couple of days. I have been wanting to drag out the kayak and do some paddling. There's nothing like the water to improve your spirits. Anyway I was thinking of summer and all of the clothes that I replaced my original FAT clothing with are sizes 18 and 20 most of them are too big. I'm in the water almost everyday in the summer so I decided to shop for a swimsuit. Funny thing was I would walk over to the rack and pick up and suit and I discovered that I was picking up 24's still. Isn't that strange. My son says I need to take a picture of myself and post it next to a picture we have of me at my largest. He says that when I see them side by side I will be surprised.

I'm having a good day today as far as my colon disease goes. Trying to have faith that God will heal me. Most of the time I have absolute faith when things are good (meaning pain free). Other times when I am hurting really bad I falter... and feel almost punished. I guess that sounds really awful but this blog is about honesty.

I have been working really hard trying to get back on track with my business. It makes it harder to eat right. I ate pizza for lunch yesterday and will probably NEVER eat pizza again. I had people in the office helping yesterday including my teenagers and it just seemed an easy thing to feed a crowd. I will say that it did taste good but it was greasy. I got sick and got revenge of the bowels (not a good thing when you have colon disease). I don't really think I will miss pizza and if I do I will try to make a veggie pizza with whole wheat crust at home.

I don't eat pork. My original reason was the horror stores my mom told about the pigs on the farm. She was terrified of them and thought they were so nasty. She said they would bite her and she was afraid of falling down in the pen. More recently I have been trying to follow the makers diet and it has become a belief system issue. It is hard to stay away from.. not because I miss it but because it's in everything! If you go to the cracker barrel you will find pork in the spinach, the beans, the gravy on and on. I have to be careful when visiting people about eating their food. Some people get so offended which I don't really understand. If you order in a restaurant you have to ask if the beans have pork. I live in the south so maybe it isn't so bad in other parts of the country.

I will say that I do miss some foods. I miss shrimp and lobster. Which I also don't eat on my new diet. I DO MISS ice cream. I can't eat it anymore it makes me sick and gives me revenge of the bowels. I guess it's the fat?

There are lots of things I do like about my new diet. When I was a little girl I lived across the street from my great-grandparents. They were farmers and grew most of their own food. My great-grandpa loved turnips and would peel them and slice them with his pocket knife for us to eat. It is one of my earliest memories. I've started eating them raw like that again and I really enjoy that as I snack. Fruit taste better when you are eating a low sugar diet. I enjoy the fruit much more than I did a year ago. I love to make a Greek salad with feta cheese, greek olives, red onion, green pepper and cucumber slices sometimes I add tomatoes ( which the doctor says I'm not suppose to eat with my colon problem.. I honestly can't tell that they bother me). There's no lettuce in the salad and you just put a small splash of olive oil on it. Eat it fresh it's better when the veggies are crisp.

I am suppose to be working so I guess it's time to hit the grind stone . Kenny thank you for your encouragement. I will try to take a look at your website later today.